Newes out of Scotland rather a Description of Scotland

Sweethart

Being ful of busines I could not write so often as I would, yet if you looke ouer leafe, you shal see that I haue not been, altogether vnmindeful, of your request that I should send you newes, but my hart is not set vppon a merry pin. I doe not weigh so much the state I hop’te for in this kingdom, as I envy your mans Toms happines, in that he liues in a country where he may haue wholesome ale, for his mony, & a hansom mayde for his mistres, I feare if it should please God to setle me a fortune heere, The Divel would make me run away from it, for to liue heer a while were to liue in heauen euer after, The forbidden fruite with the golden Indyes grow not on this side tweede & folly twere for Satan to tempt on with any thing else, Nothing but women haue power ouer mee And nothing heer seemes more vgly to mee, of them hearafter I will discourse as followeth, I pray remember my seruice, to my honorable Mistress I would not wish to be king of Scotland vnlesse it were to make her queene, I haue sent you a breife description of this kingdome with the natural condition of the people for the country I confess it is too good for them that inhabite it, & to bad for others to beare the chore to conquere it, the ayre mighte be wholesome but for the stinking people that liue in it & the ground mighte be made fruitful had they wit to manure it. Their beasts generally are smal, women only excepted then which there are no greater in the worlde, there is greate store of foule, as foule houses, foul dishes & pots, foule linnen foul trenchers, and napkins foul sheet and shirts, with which sort of foul we had like to haue been famished, as the children of traal were with the fowle in the wildernes, they haue great store of fish too & good for them that can eat them raw, but if they once come into their hands they are as good as 3 dayes old, for the butter and cheese I will not medle with it, nor any man els that lous his life. They haue also great store of deare but they are so far from the places I haue been at, that I had rather beleiue it, then to goe to disproue it. I confesse al the deare I met with was deare lodging deare horsemeat & dear Tobacco and English beere, As for fruit for their Grandam Eues sake they neuer planted any, for other trees had Christ been betrayed in that country (as doubtles he should haue been had he com as a stranger a= mong them) Iudas had sooner found the grace of repentance then a tree to hang himselfe. They haue many hils in which they tel me there is much treasure, but they shew none of it, Nature hath only discouered vnto them som mines of Coales to shew to what end she created them, I saw but litle grasse, saue only in pottage, and no flower but such as modesty forbids mee to name, The Thistle was not giuen them for nought for it is the fayrest flower in their gardens, the word Hay is heathenish Greeke to them, neither man nor beast knowes what it meanes, Corne is reasonable plenty at this times, for since they heard of the Kings comming it hath been as vnlawful for the people to eat wheate, as it was in the old time for any but the Preists to eat the shew bread, They praye long for his comming, and fasted long for his welfare, Al his followers were welcome but the gard, those they say look like the Paroh's leane kine, & threatned a dearth wheresoeuer they come, they would per= swade the footmen that oaten caken cakes would make them long winded, & the children of the Chappel they brought to eat of them for the maintenance of their voyces. They say our Cookes are sa too saucy, & for the Groomes and horsmen they wish them giue their horses no worse more meate then they will eat themselues, They commend the braue mindes of Pensioner Gentlemen of the chamber, who choose rather to go to the tauerne Th then to be alwayes eating the kings provision, they also commend the yomen of the buttery & cellar, for their retirednes & silence, that wil heer twenty cry ere they wil answere one. They perswade the Trumpeters that fasting is good for men of their quality, for emptines they say causeth winde & winde they say makes the trumpet sound sweetly. The badge of Heraldry they say mighte wel haue been spared, for they al knew his pedegree wel enough, and the harbingers were at a needles charge because they brought so many bed with them, and of two euils the les being to be chosen, they wish the beds may remaine there & the poor harbingers keepe their places, & doe their office when they returne. His Hangings also they desire should hang there as relicks to put them always in remebrance of his majestie & they promise to dispense with the wouen images heerin but as for the grauen images in the chappel new beutifyde, they threaten to pul downe soon after his departure, & make of them a burnt offring to appease the indignation they conceiue is imagined against them in the brest of the almighty, for suffring Idolatry to enter the kingdom, the organs I think will finde mercy, because as they say, there is some affinity between them and their bagpipes, The shipmen that brought the singing men with the Papistical vestments, complaynes. that he hath been troubled with a strange singing in the head euer since euer they come on ship bord, for remedy where of the Parson of the Parish hath perswaded him to sel the prophane vestments and to distribute the mony among the faythful brethren. For his majesties entertainment I must confesse ingeniously, he was receiued into the parish of Eden= borough (for city I cannot name it with great shouts of ioy, but no shew of charge, for pageants they hold them idolatrous things, and not fit to be vsed in so reformed a place. From the castle they gaue som peices of ordinance, which surely he gaue the castle since he was king of England, & at the entrance of the towne they presented him with a golden basen, which was carried before him on mens shoulders to the Pallace, the place I think from which it came, They protest that if Christ had come from heauen he could not be more welcome, and I beleiue it for his majestie came but to summon ˄them to a parlaiment, & Christ would haue summoned them to iudgement, which they desire not to heare of. he was conveyed by the yonsters of the towne which were some 100 Halberd men (dearely shall they rue it in respect of the charge) to the high crosse- & the high church, where they had stuck the only bel on his tiptoes to behold his faire face. To report his entertainement were to make this discourse seem as tedious vnto you as the sermon seemd to them that were constrained afterward to endorse it in parchment. He was conducted to his pal= lace by the same Halberd men of which I forbeare to speake because it was a place sanctifyde by his diuine majestie, only I wish it had been better.... for my freinds sake that I wayted on him. To bring the Maior back againe to his lodging were too much to amplify my story, I will truly, faythfully & breifly speake of the people according to their degrees and qualityes./

for their Lords Spiritual (they may be so cald indeed) for they are neither fish nor flesh, but what it shal please their el earthly god their king to make them, they hold obedience to be better then sacrifice, they make a mockery of martirdome saying Christ was to dy for them not they for Christ, They will rather subscribe then surrender, and dis= pence with smal things rather then trouble themselues with disputations, They will rather acknowledge the king to be their head, then want where with all to pamper their bodyes, They haue taken paines and trauel to compasse their Bishopricks & therefore will not loose them for a trifle, for the poore Deacons (whose desert will not lift them vp to dignity) their study is to disgrace them that haue gotten the least degree before them, & because they cannot write themselus bishops, they proclaime they neuer hard of any. For the religion they haue, it is aboue my reach and (god willing) I will neuer search for it. They Christen without the crosse and marry without the ring, receiue the sacrament without reuerence, and dy without repentance, & bury without diuine seruice. They keepe no holydays nor acknow= ledge any Saint but Saint Andrew who they say got that honour by representing Christ in an oaten cake after 40 dayes fast, they say that he that translated the English bible was ...... because he spake of a miracle done with barly loaues, when they say they were oaten cakes, & that no other bread of that quantity could haue sufficed a 1000 people. they vse no prayer at all for they say it is needles, God knowes their wants without praying, & what he doth he loueth to doe freely. They hold fornication for a pastime wherein mens abilityes are improued, womens sterility discouered.

for the Lords temporal and temporizing gent: if I were not to speake euil of any, I could not speak much good of them, only I must let you know, they are no Scotishmen, for as soone as they crawle from the breasts of the beasts their mothers, their careful fathers post them away for france. The wonders of the contry are these. The Lord Chancelour is beloued and honoured, the master of the Roules wel spoken of, The whole counsel who are iudges are free from al suspition of corruption. The country although it be mountanous affords no monsters, but women, of which the greate ones as countesses and Ladies are kept in iron grates like lyons, The ladyes are of opinion that Susanna could not be chast because she bathed so often, Pride is a thing bred in their bones and their flesh naturally abhors cleanlynes, To draw downe then by degrees from the citizens wius to the country gentlewomen, & so to de common Dames were to bring you from Newgate to Bride wel. I finde my paper in consumption, therefore to conclude. The men of old times did not more wonder, that the great messias should be bourne in so poore a towne as Bethlem, as I doe so braue a Prince as King James to be borne in so stinking a towne as Edenborough farewel.

From Lousy Edenborough.